Kim Jong Un's PE

Not physical education, which he needs badly, being the fattest within a thousand miles, weighing more than any 3 North Koreans, being so fat his weight broke both his ankles a few years back. No, Jong Un has premature ejaculation, a common condition in obese males.

Just to show how potent he is, Jong Un tried to set off a rocket. The alleged intercontinental ballistic missile, set off to celebrate the 105th birthday of Kim Il Sung, the President for Eternity of the Hermit Kingdom, exploded just seconds after launch. This is the second time that Jong Un's rocket has failed to launch this month; the previous time was 5 April. That's the story of Jong Un's life, either it goes off too quick or it doesn't go off at all.

Videos also surfaced from the BBC that Jong Un appears to have a few rubber rockets that he put on display, with the nose cones noticeably bent like they were made of papier-mâché or something.

Rumors have surfaced that US hacking brought down the missiles, but that seems unlikely.

“The missile itself is a very hard target for a cyberattack. It is very strongly isolated from the rest of the world, there are very few opportunities for attack,” said John Schilling, a satellite and launch vehicle propulsion systems specialist at the Aerospace Corporation, during a press briefing on Tuesday.

It is much more likely that the reality of the situation is that the North Korean nuclear program is just incompetent. Last year they allegedly tested a hydrogen bomb, but the yield was most likely between 2 and 10 kilotons, far too small for such a weapon. The most likely scenario is that North Korea put a few tons of conventional explosives in a mine shaft and detonated it, creating the illusion of a nuke. Their entire arsenal is at 1940s technology at best: giant Fat Man style fission bombs of 20 kilotons or less that are difficult to deliver on target.

Military analysts agree that if war breaks out South Korea alone can completely obliterate the North and re-unify the peninsula if China does not get involved. It will be a month of bloody fighting and millions of people will die, but North Korea on its own is worthless as a military power. If the obese man-child with the bouffant steps out of line China will deal with him. China is already massing troops on the border, and they have ceased purchasing North Korean coal, the only thing the Hermit Kingdom exports.

Chinese President Xi Jinping "insists on realizing the denuclearization of the peninsula ... and is willing to maintain communication and coordination with the American side over the issue on the peninsula." China wants to keep their puppet kingdom free from American influences, but they don't want the mad dictator destabilising the region with his nuclear ambitions. That's why, if push came to shove, they would eliminate Jong Un and place a new puppet on the throne, one who knows how to follow orders from Beijing like the previous two glorious leaders.